Living in USA: The funny side of immigration

Language barrier is the funniest and at the same time the most irritating facet of living here in North America those comedians can’t get enough of. There’s a plethora of sad stories available online and paperback books, but nary an article or material about the funny side of immigration, well, except for Jay Leno’s joke on former President Bush during his nightly show. In one of his segments, he taunted, “President Bush also said in his speech that immigrants have to learn English. The immigrants said, ‘Hey, you first.’”

Contrary to some beliefs, living in America is nothing like the hackneyed phrases, “greener pasture” or “bed of roses.” Our struggles are twice, if not tons, more than the natives, and language deficiency is one of them. There are actually more gut wrenching than bone tickling anecdotes. But I’m not here to recount those lacrimal apologues. When times are hard - think of the TNT story. This is an excerpt from my book “Laugh Your Way to America or Cry and Make it” - that I’m still trying to get published (another funny story - so funny I can't laugh). Joel Agustin, a friend, recounted this incident as we were heading home from church. Wherever you are now buddy, I owe this one to you.

“TNT can I help you?”

Many years ago, when cell phones and credit cards were just starting to get trendy, Dan (pronounced as “done” in Tagalog), a Filipino, over extended his stay in California. No pun intended, he got there by plane armed with a tourist visa – not by boat. Life moved on so fast, and before he knew it - his visa expired. Lured by the luxuries of living in America, he decided not to come back to the Philippines, albeit knowing full well his decision will put him in the illegal alien category. Living like a nomad, he moved countless times to avoid deportation. He officially joined the TNT bandwagon. As a banter, Filipinos call illegal immigrants TNT (Tago Nang Tago) which means in English, “Always hiding.”

One eventful night, while on his way to his relative’s house who lives outside the city limits, he felt apprehensive when he saw the police car trailing behind him, as he glanced at his rear-view mirror. Panic creeping, his body started shivering as he began to assume the cop is purposely following him. His mind was suddenly consumed with the frightful thought that someone had tipped off the police that he is a TNT. Dan became more agitated when he noticed his gas was getting real low. Clearly, he had to fill-up with gas or he won’t make it to his cousin’s house. He sighed with great relief when he spotted a gas station up ahead. Just when he thought things are getting better, he was jolted back into reality when he discovered this: the gas station had been modernized with the credit card payment option. Dan blurted, “How in the world am I going to use this!” Call it a coincidence or whatever, the police stopped at the gas station too.

Dan stood frozen in front of the gas pump. Still puzzled at the new technology while trying to ignore the cop's presence, series of questions raced through his mind: "How should I pay in credit card? What is a credit card?" (TNT's always pay in cash).Thinking there’s only one payment option, time stood still as he tried to find answers. The gas station cashier took notice of Dan’s anguished expression in front of the gas pump. Feeling helpful, he went out of his post behind the counter to offer assistance. The cashier asked Dan, “Are you going to use visa?” Color escaped Dan's perfectly tanned face as he thought to himself, “My God (today you’d exclaim OMG)! He’s asking for my visa!” Dan thought the guy was asking for his immigration visa. Stammering uncontrollably, he replied “Hold on please! I’m going to call my cousin!” He went to the public pay phone and made a long distance call. The first thing he heard was the company greeting: “AT&T can I help you?” Dan thought the personnel said, "TNT can I help you?" He exclaimed, “Oh no! They know I’m TNT!” As if things weren’t bad enough, the police approached him and asked, “Are you done?” His world started spinning trying to grasp the reality of it all. The last thought he remembered was, “Oh my God! He knows my name is Dan (remember Dan is pronounced done in Tagalog) and he’s taking me to jail!” He thought the police was asking him if he’s Dan. His body just can’t handle the simultaneous “event” that night any longer – poor Dan passed out!